Two Little Girls and Acts of Kindness

On April 22, 2011, Judy Zassler Ference, beloved wife of Scott Ference; cherished mother of Yosef Yisroel Ference, Elianna Devorah and Chanoch Spetner, Chana Rachel Ference, Meira Nechama Ference, and Yoni Ference; devoted sister of Bob Zassler of Israel, passed away. I was going to title my second blog post “The Great Escape”. II was going to discuss my trip to Puerto Rico for Passover.How I had such a nice and relaxing time; exactly what I needed. How I was so relaxed there and it worried me because I seem to be happy and relaxed when I am away from my real life. I was going to talk about that if you see this pattern in your life, it might be a good time to evaluate your choices and decisions and maybe it is time to move on and do something new. But in the middle of my trip, I got a text; a text that changed my attitude.Baz Luhrman says in his Sunscreen Song “Don’t worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.”Unfortunately, this has happened before and I am sure it has happened to you. You look down at your blackberry or cell phone and there is a text in your inbox from your friend, you open it…and written is something you just cannot wrap your head around. I got a text from my friend that said “Baruch Dayan Emet: Elianna Ference’s mother passed away.” Cancer had done it again. My childhood flashed before me. I then called my mother but she was already making shabbos food for the Ference family. Little did I know, while I was escaping in Puerto Rico, every member of my family was taking care of the Ference family. My father, if you know what his profession is, you can put the pieces together, my mother, the altruist and empathetic mother to all, and my brother, the one who takes care of people in crisis. I felt a wave of homesickness. We haven’t spoken to the Ference family in awhile.Two little girls who met in Montessori Preschool 19 years ago, brought these two families together, unbeknownst to us when we were three years old, that our friendship would be the one that would matter most. But since I was in Puerto Rico, I missed it all. Based on some personal experiences, I started to think that the only way to get ahead in life was to lose my “nice” and altruistic way of life that my parents taught me. It seemed to me that manipulation and deceit was the way to win. It completely went against everything I was taught, but my ways were just not working.
 How wrong I was. Two little girls: I don’t even remember how it happened but once we met, that was it. We were inseparable; the memories, the fun times, the sleepovers, the family barbeques. Our families became best friends because of us. We practically lived in each other’s houses. It is so hard to convey the emotions. When I walked into the Ference home yesterday to the shiva house; the familiar rooms, the windows, the backyard: it felt like home. I traveled so far away from my home town for Pesach and thought I had found happiness but when I walked into the Ference home, it felt safe and real.After first grade, Elianna and I went to different schools and as the years went by, our families weren’t as close as we used to be...so many year went by. But we still invited each other to family celebrations and whenever I saw members of the Ference family, especially Judy, she was always delighted to see me and excited to hear what I was up to in life. She had this way of making you feel like you were the most important person in the world. Judy Ference was one of the kindest women I have ever met.  She gave me such an amazing childhood. Our parents really gave us such good memories, they let us run  with our creativity. They gave us every opportunity for fun. Two little girls: we met when we were three years old. 19 years later, our families are connected on the deepest of levels. I wish it wasn’t for such an awful and sad occasion.When you are three years old, the differences that keep people from being friends today don’t matter. We just knew how to have a lot of fun together. And our families connected because of this. We all made each other so happy. But we must have known there was a higher purpose for our friendship. 19 years later, we mourn the deep loss of Judy Ference.I just have to thank you Mrs. Ference for giving your children and the Sharfman children the greatest childhood we could ever ask for. A word to the twenty-something: Don’t escape. Don’t run away from it all. Or run away like I did and then learn your lesson the hard way. Because you need to be there when your friends and family need you most and when you need them most. Life is about showing up and the acts of kindness that we do for one another.  May Ella Yehudis bat Shraga Feivel's neshama have an aliyah and may the Ference family be comforted among the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem. 

update

Hi Everyone. I know it has been awhile since I have written last. I was in Puerto Rico for Passover and I tried not to think as hard as I usually do. Of course that did not work and I will be writing a lot in the coming days and weeks.

Unfortunately my laptop has caught a virus...great timing!
I hope to be back on my laptop soon.

I will keep you all posted!

First Blog Post

I am writing because I am unfinished. As I look out into the future, I see a big question mark, a road that is completely unknown. But it is just as exciting and thrilling as it is frightening.

There was a very special person who got me thinking to start a blog. Her blog is http://thinkingjewgirl.blogspot.com/; I would read her posts and feel like she was writing for me because at the time I was not ready to write my thoughts out for the world to see.

For all those “20 something’s” out there who are wondering…what will be next year? What about the year after that? Will things ever fall into place? Will I ever get over this break-up; the relationship I thought was going to be my future? Will I get accepted to the graduate program I worked so hard for? Will I find a sense of belonging and a sense of purpose? Am I going to ever take to heart what my professors told me about my strengths and weaknesses? Will I find the right person that is right and healthy for me? Will I ever become that doctor I wanted to be since I was 5, that Jewish communal figure, that dentist, that artist? Will I be able to help enough people? Will someone finally find the cure for cancer? Will cancer stop thinking that it can just come in and disrupt lives? Will young people stop dying? Will I ever have a love quite like my grandparents who celebrated 50 wonderful years together? 50 years is a long time. Am I even worthy of that kind of love? Will I make my parents proud or will I let them down big time?

I am thankful for the opportunities that were given to me and for the road that has led me here.

As I look towards the future into a sea of unknown, I realized that the most consistent thing for me besides for G-d and prayer has always been reading and writing.

I learned to read in first grade and ever since then I was all about words. I would “eat” books for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I would sit up late into the night reading my favorite books in the dark. My mother would always tell me that it was going to ruin my eyes…well of course she was right and I got glasses at an early age. But it was worth it at the time. The excitement of starting and finishing a book in the same night or over a weekend; that thrill will never go away.

I have always written. My cousin Gerri, z"l, gave me my first diary as a present for Hanukah when I was around eight years old. It was leather bound with a gold lock and key. From there my thoughts flowed and I have been writing ever since.

It is time to put my writing out there.

I hope you can relate to my writings because I am not only writing for myself. I will verbalize the laughter, the heartbreak, the glorious moments.  I will put together the angst, the stress, and the wonder of the 20 something year old experience.

And even on those nights when we doubt ourselves and cannot possibly fathom how things are going to work out…just remember…

There are a lot of us out there and…

We will be ok. We will be more than ok. We will take ownership and eventually find our place and in the meantime we will continue to enjoy the ride.